I saw a video the other day, I think it was on Facebook, a Buzzfeed video about the effects of stress. I think it’s common knowledge that stress can eventually lead to heart attacks and strokes, but having it voiced in video-form sort of drummed it into me and made me think about how stressed I am. I’m not stressed about general situations really, like work or studying. They can be stressful but I’m not consciously stressed about them, not at the moment. But just about everything else I suppose. My top three stress-inducers are my physical appearance, my behaviour/personality, and the aforementioned crush situation
I keep catching myself off-guard, feeling quite taken aback by my own behaviour. If I’m too loud then I mentally berate myself, if I’m too quiet I do the same. I’m embarrassed by the things I say, and keep finding myself questioning absolutely everything. I went out for dinner with friends the other night, and myself and one friend ended up in the supermarket I work in afterwards. Any time a fellow colleague spoke to me, I found myself turning to my friend and saying “was I weird then? Did I come across as weird?” This isn’t anything new, but for some reason it’s very heightened at the moment
It feels like my chest cavity is playing host to a really heavy bomb, and every-time I say or do something awkward, it gets that little bit closer to going off inside me and exploding me into a million tiny little pieces. I know I need to get the ball rolling, sort out a doctors appointment, but I’m scared of change. I’m frightened that I’ll change, which is odd because I don’t like myself at all, and I want to change everything
The thing is I feel like I see the world differently, I feel like my brain works differently to anyone I know, and if I get help then that’ll all change. But surely that’s what I want?
Thanks for reading, Hils