Hello, I’m Still Kicking


The past five-nearly-six months have gone by so fast and so much has changed in that time. It was the end of August when I realised I hadn’t posted on here for ages, “that odd uneven time” as Plath once described it. The time in which “the best of summer is gone and the new fall not yet born.” It was springtime when I last posted, and I talked about getting settled into the new flat. I’m virtually fully settled now, and have definitely started to consider Leicester as my home. Having said that, I haven’t explored it as much as I intended to when I first got here so that’s something I want to start doing more. I’ve started to frequent the library which I like going to when I need to get out of the flat but be in familiar surroundings, and also the nearby fountain which I sometimes sit near when the weather’s decent

I’ve visited a few places but there’s so much around me, so many museums, theatres, bars, parks and so on. Now that I have a bit more time on my hands and things are starting to fall into place, I feel like I can finally start to do more. Previously my time was taken up by work and studying, and although my work situation has yet to change and I’m still having to commute, now that I’ve finished studying I can put more energy into job searching and other things

I only went and passed my history degree, didn’t I. Got a 2.2, which apparently means I’m part of the Desmond club? I had to Google it too, don’t worry. To be honest, I’m pretty chuffed with that. I barely even expected to pass so you can imagine I was over the moon

Graduation day is at the end of October and I’m petrified. I’ll be graduating in Birmingham, and although I’ll have some of my favourite people there to support me, I’m still a bit nervous. I’m just picturing that bit from the start of the Lizzie McGuire film, when she completely wrecks the ceremony by getting tangled up in that curtain. That’s going to be me. I am looking forward to it too though. I’ve got my cap ready to go, and my gown ordered, I just need to do the all-important dress shop

I’m determined to shift a few pounds before graduation, so I’m going to join a nearby gym in the next week or so. I walked past one today and saw some people on treadmills and was so tempted to get in there and work up a sweat. I’ve definitely been more active lately, but something inside me is crying out to get back to the gym. I miss doing a severe workout and then having a post-gym shower, so I’m aiming to get back into it

Talking of getting back into things, my head feels the clearest it has done all year which is why I feel like I can start writing on here again. Ever-so slowly I feel like I’m getting my creative spark back. There are days where I’m not great and my anxiety is high, but at the moment I feel like there are more good days than bad, which isn’t something I was expecting at all

I stopped taking fluoxetine a month or so ago. I kept forgetting to take them and then I just stopped altogether. I stopped taking them before I went to Berlin in June, and the week I re-started them was absolute hell. I physically couldn’t get out of bed and I felt so depressed it basically hurt to breathe. I am tempted to get back on them again but I kind of like how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not brilliant, but I’m manageable and I don’t want to mess with that. If I start to go properly down again, then I’ll re-re-start them and see what happens I guess. I don’t know whether it’s because of the time of year, or because there are good things and good people in my life at the moment, but either way, I’m doing okay right now

It’s September, and the nights are dark. I can feel the excitement of late autumn and early winter building, those days where you have to wrap up so tight that you may as well be walking around wearing a duvet, but it’s nice because the air smells of bonfires. It’s that sort of time where you can’t decide whether you want to go running through brown-leaf scattered fields or cuddle up in your cosiest jammies. I’m a dreamer at the best of times, but this time of year always makes me feel sentimental, and it couldn’t be better timed really. Like I said, there are good people in my life right now, one in particular but I won’t go into that right now. Essentially, things are fine and dandy

I’m aiming to keep on top of this blog now, so I’ll be back soon

Thanks for reading, Hils


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